Put June Diane Raphael in everything (OBSESSED #14)

A dragging of David Fincher's most underutilized performer in “Zodiac.”

I fell in love with June Diane Raphael in 2014.

It happened while watching Burning Love, a Bachelor spoof from Yahoo! Studios that should’ve ran for 38 seasons. The show’s second season has an unbelievably stacked cast of hopeful, horny contestants: Nick Kroll, Adam Scott, Michael Cera, Paul Scheer, Kumail Nanjiani … the list, remarkably, goes on (I haven’t even mentioned Adam Brody!). But when I watched Burning Love, I didn’t notice a single one of those dudes. Nope. My focus was held by Julie Gristlewhite (Raphael), a manically chipper dental hygienist who felt moments away from bursting into laughter and sobs, somehow all at once.

Since then, Raphael has remained my comedic muse, my number one boy, my favorite person to see on-screen. The woman utterly kills me. She’s a total scene stealer, consistently bringing unreal levels of energy and precision to every project I see her in. Raphael’s a master of embodying a very specific kind of self-conscious confidence — always hinting at deeply held insecurities raging beneath the surface-level, overcompensatory cheerfulness that so many women fake.

Thus explains my fury when I put on David Fincher’s Zodiac the other day (I crave a cold, detached thriller when menstruating) and saw that the funniest person in the world had been cast as a woman who’s entire deal seems to be “bed.”

Raphael plays the wife of Mark Ruffalo’s character, Inspector David Toschi. (Her character is literally named “Mrs. Toschi” in the credits.) All in all, she’s on screen for about 14 seconds. In three of her four appearances, she’s literally sleeping. And, sure, Zodiac was released in 2007, right around the time Raphael was still at UCB. And, all right, I’m sure booking a part in a freakin’ David Fincher movie was huge for Raphael at the time. But that doesn’t matter, because I said so, and because this is hardly the first time a hilarious woman has played a bullshit accessory character whose entire purpose is forwarding her husband’s narrative. Blerg! No more! Even if, in this instance, Raphael was a fairly up-and-coming performer, and Zodiac isn’t a comedy! I don’t give a gah damn, ya turd! I’m mad!

So, today, we’re going to breakdown every excruciating moment Fincher put Raphael on screen and didn’t let her run the whole damn show. As far as I can tell, her character’s big thesis is “want bed,” but maybe you’ll pick up on something I didn’t. Or, maybe you’ll confirm that I’m living in hell, because in heaven, Raphael plays every role, and every role is written for Raphael.

I’m reminded of Emma Stone’s Dierdre, a woman we never got to meet.

OK, let’s dive in. Substack’s telling me I’m running out of space.

Twenty six minutes and 25 seconds into “Zodiac,” the audience meets Mrs. Toschi (Raphael), the wife of Inspector David Toschi (Ruffalo).

Raphael’s character is literally named “Mrs. Toschi,” which is never a good sign if you’re hoping for, uh, anything of substance. She does have one line, though.

Tough.

The next time we see Mrs. Toschi comes at the 42:29 mark.

Somehow, our time with her is even more truncated.

I curse the days that Ruffalo, Jake Gyllenhaal and Rick Santorum were born. If they weren’t born, “Zodiac” could just be a bunch of Raphael. Plus, I never would’ve heard of Rick Santorum, which sounds nice.

Mrs. Toschi’s third appearance, at the 52:59 mark, represents her most significant appearance in “Zodiac.”

If Fincher won’t give Mrs. Toschi an inner world, I will.

You go, Mrs. Toschi.

Crap! Officially out of room. Can’t include her coda (in which Mrs. Toschi is seen — you guessed it — sleeping).

I’ll end with these remarks from Paul Feig at the Tribeca Film Festival in 2017.

“When I got in the business, I just got so frustrated watching comedy,” he replied. “Women had such terrible roles – especially because growing up, I was watching with my mom, these movies from the ‘30s and ‘40s, with Rosalind Russell and Katharine Hepburn, and they were really equals to men. And then I watched it just devolve to where women were just eye candy, or they were perfect, or they were mean. So it was a reaction to that, and also because I knew so many funny women, and I’d see them in movies. I remember seeing Sarah Silverman pop up in School of Rock – great movie, but then Sarah’s so funny, and she’s not funny at all in that movie. They just make her be this really mean girlfriend, and it’s like, well, that’s not fair. Why does she not get to be funny?”

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