OBSESSED (#1): Gordon Ramsay, CEOs & the insidious terror of Nikki Haley

Lots of screaming in this one.

Hello! And welcome to the first-ever OBSESSED. How’s your Thursday going? Any big plans this weekend? If all goes well, I’ll watch the New York Liberty clobber the Las Vegas Aces in Games 1 of the WNBA finals, eat something tasty and not roll an ankle. Rolling an ankle really ruins a weekend.

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This week…

I’M OBSESSED WITH WATCHING: The rebooted Kitchen Nightmares (which originally aired from 2007-2014). Yup, you read that right. I’m not normally a network reality TV gal; usually, I’m that douchebag who only watches whatever’s on HBO or Showtime. Despite that, this show is my drug, my drug is my baby and I’ll be usin’ for the rest of my life. 

This is a mentally stable man.

Kitchen Nightmares, one of Gordon Ramsay’s two hundred thousand television shows, follows the world’s most well-groomed chef as he tries to save restaurants on the brink of failure. The signs of these restaurants’ declines are disgusting and surreal: a pallet of moldy, months-old hamburger patties resting on a shelf at one restaurant; the family cocker spaniel that moves table to table, drooling for scraps at another. 

Let me quickly say that I’m not, like, a superfan of Gordon Ramsay. I don’t hate the dude. (Should I hate him? Did he do anything heinous? If so, please tell me!) And I’m generally not a fan of men who’s schtick is, uh, berating people. Before chugging too much of the Kitchen Nightmares Kool-Aid, I scoured the web for any sign that this dude was a total piece of shit. Instead, most people who work with him … kind of love him? Apparently, off-camera, he’s a big-hearted sweetie? He was very sweet during his Reddit AMA? Anyways.

While Gordon’s modus operandi is typically screaming at young chefs, I much prefer watching him lose his mind over stuff that’s straight-up nauseating, or bizarre, or profoundly low-stakes. We’ve all seen Gordon snap at a young chef who garnished her eggs hollandaise with benedict instead of bacon (I don’t cook). It’s far more entertaining to watch him howl in agony, collapsing to his knees, after being served mozzarella sticks without a side of marinara. 

In the rebooted show’s premiere (Mondays at 9 p.m. ET on Fox), Gordon comes across a bucket of waterlogged whole chickens, defeathered and months’ old and just chillin’ in the open basement. Once he’s fully processed what he’s looking at, Gordon immediately vomits. Then, the camera operator vomits. Then Gordon evacuates the restaurant. It’s revolting. It’s beyond dramatic. Reader, I’m not sure it cracks the series’ wildest moments.  

It’s completely ridiculous. Definitely won’t make you any smarter. Now, go to Hulu and binge all seven seasons. 

I’M OBSESSED WITH READING: Kevin Dutton’s “The Wisdom of Psychopaths,” which explores the fine line between psychopathic criminals and the far, far larger number of psychopaths who mask their differences and function (often quite well) in society.

I developed a bit of an obsession with psychopaths a little over a year ago, after reading Jon Ronson’s “The Psychopath Test” and learning that the vast majority of psychopaths become CEOs and Wall Street executives rather than serial killers. (Maybe this explains why the biggest corporate leaders in the world – the ones who set the standard for what a successful company can look like — often lead with a reptilian focus on profits, a callous disregard for their employees and are fearless of consequences?) 

“The Wisdom of Psychopaths” has so far taught me that psychopaths blink less frequently than non-psychopaths. And right now, I’m staring at a guy in a suit at this café, praying that he soon blinks.

I CAN’T STOP THINKING ABOUT: This terrifying New Yorker profile of Nikki Haley’s campaign. It’s not terrifying because it’s brimming with naked jingoism or calls to murder the woke mob. It’s terrifying because … there isn’t any of that! There’s just a smart, savvy centrist who’s mastered the art of using folksy bromides and a tough-girl schtick to appeal to old school Reagan Republicans. And centrists. And, uh, some Democrats?

At one campaign stop, Haley walks out to Tom Petty’s “American Girl.” She wears flared bluejeans. She says, “If you want something done, ask a woman,” and Republicans cheer. She’s the girl in the movie who walks up to home plate, ignores the jeers of boys who don’t think girls can play sports, knocks the ball outta the park and delivers a clever one-liner that makes the fellas’ pants twitch. 

(Of course, Haley wants to defund sanctuary cities, signed a pledge declaring that “gender is binary,” supports a 15-week abortion ban and thinks curbing emissions will “destroy our economy.” But, again — flared bluejeans!)

Uh oh! Someone’s moderately likeable!

Anyways, I’m now convinced that if Haley somehow wrestles the GOP nomination away from Trump (which, to be clear, she won’t), she’d handily win the Presidency. Yes, it would be a nightmare for that massive milestone — the first female president — to belong to a woman who … uh, hates women? But the pessimist in me thinks most Americans aren’t ready to elect both a woman and a Democrat (to say nothing of trans or nonbinary candidates). 

To lots of people, I think the act of electing a woman is so radical that the “risk” has to be tempered by politics that still uphold patriarchal norms. Politics that still, at the end of the day, maintain our nation’s deep subjugation of women (again: trans and nonbinary people get a much shittier end of the stick!). Plus, I think lots of centrist Democrats would feel better about at least voting for a woman if they vote Republican.

Let’s be real. The first female president has to be tough, but likable. Hot, but not so feminine as to appear stupid. Smart without being overly brainy. Driven without seeming entitled. Confident, not cocky. Also, white or light-skinned, thinner-than-average and have dark hair (blondes, unfortunately, are incapable of reading). Someone a lot of shitty dudes could describe by saying, “Yeah, she’s a woman, but she’s also [insert masculine trait].” The kind of girl who actually gets along better with guys, when she really thinks about it? Unfortunately, Nikki Haley is all of these things. 

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