If Anti-Trans Doctors Applied Their Logic To Brain Surgery
Some satire about the strange logic of transphobia.
OBSESSED normally publishes cultural criticism, but today, I’m publishing satire that’s criticizing the dumb-as-bricks culture of transphobia. I wrote this piece a year ago, and it was swiftly rejected by The New Yorker and McSweeney’s. But rejections be damned, I still like it!
First, a routine medical question: are you sure you’re experiencing a subdural hematoma, or do you merely think your brain is gushing blood?
Why the long face? It’s a perfectly reasonable question. When somebody tells me they’re experiencing a life-or-death brain condition, I take a breath, check that my biases aren’t interfering with my duty as a doctor, and assume their mind fell prey to an online subculture of perverted, pro-hematoma ideologies.
Don’t take my unwarranted skepticism personally. I’m sure you’ve seen the headlines. Today’s blue-haired youth are only interested in three things: socialism, septum piercings, and having hemorrhagic hematomas for TikTok clout. Terrifying, I know. If doctors don’t exercise more discretion, society will be overrun by lightheaded lunatics pounding Motrin and creating a sickening cottage industry of cosmetic ice packs and bike helmets.
Ironically, it reminds me of the ‘70s, when doctors discovered concussions. Now that was an incredible time. It’s fascinating — once doctors named the experience and produced a well-researched definition, people had the language to communicate their experience. Turns out, a lot of people had concussions! And we trusted those people, because they were the strong, silent type who actually looked pretty cool with drool dribbling down their chins.
OK. You’ve discussed the condition with your parents, six psychiatrists and a consortium of religious elders, all of whom agree that you have a hematoma. A well-known treatment is available and endorsed by all major medical organizations. But here’s where you lost me: my brain’s never leaked blood, and that treatment sounds downright barbaric. How could I ethically let a person do something I’d find super uncomfortable?
I’m not the only one who approaches medicine this way. My colleague over in oncology rarely approves chemotherapy treatments because he can’t imagine losing his hair. Sure, most patients complain — until they abruptly stop calling his office and move on with their lives like sane, eerily quiet adults.
Let’s take a quick moment to assess the situation, shall we? The American Medical Association, the American Neurological Association and everybody on Doctor Magazine’s “List of Doctors Who Don't Fear New Ideas On A Molecular Level” are adamant — some might say militant — about the fact that subdural hematomas exist. Isn’t that a little ... suspicious? Is it possible those organizations are in cahoots to indoctrinate the masses into their deviant worldview?
I didn't become a doctor to save lives. I became a doctor to play god! And that’s why I’m going to require you to wait until you’re 18 to treat this so-called hematoma. Does evidence suggest that without life-saving treatment, you might not make it to your 18th birthday? Maybe. Maybe you’ll take up juggling next week and forget all about this! Use these six years to get to know your “hematoma.” See if you can make friends with the blood pooling around your brain. In time, I truly believe you’ll learn to live a happy, fulfilling life by stuffing all those nasty thoughts that tell you you’re different into a teeny tiny box in your brain’s attic.
Trust me. I’ve been repressing perfectly natural thoughts and urges my entire life.
I had a little chuckle out loud and my wife asked what I was reading. I just quietly said, “doctor magazine.”
Oh my GOD it's perfect